2013: A Year with Movies

(So…..it’s been like a year since I last posted something, what can I say? I’ve been busy.)

With 2013 coming to an end, and insomnia in full effect, I’ve decided to take the path often traveled and do a best/worst movies of 2013. I would usually try to bang out lists of 10, but I haven’t seen that many movies this year. I’ve grown tired of going to the theater unless it’s an big, event type movie and most new movies I see come from Redbox or Netflix. Who needs all the hustle involved with going to the theater? Dealing with the traffic, the high ticket prices and crying babies. I’d rather stay and watch movies in the comfort of my own home while eating cold spaghetti-o’s right out of the can. I’m also not going to do a “worst” list, but rather a “disappointed” list. It makes more sense to me because my life is consumed with learning about movies before they’re released to the point of reading the scripts (I know it’s weird, leave me alone) I actively avoid bad movies and have gotten pretty good at it. A “disappointed” list is much better because we have all dealt with bad movies, but having your hopes crushed by a terrible movie you thought was going to be great? It’s the worst.

Just to let you know, I haven’t seen every movie that’s come out this year so there are quite a few that are missing. Are there movies I’m bummed I haven’t seen and that probably would have made this list if I had? Sure. Movies like “Wolf of Wall Street”, “American Hustle” and “Fast 6” would most likely be near the top of my list, but I’m willing to wait for the DVD release. Also, don’t you dare judge me for putting “Fast 6” in the same category as Scorcese and David O. Russell! The last Fast(?) was god damn brilliant and one of the best action movies I’ve seen in a while, but enough jibber-jabber. Let’s get to the lists.

TOP 5 DISAPPOINTMENTS

5. World War z
This one really hurt since it was based on one of my favorite books (seriously, here is the link to the Amazon page, buy it now). I could see it coming from a mile away, with all the production issues and re-shoots the movie went thru before it’s release. The special effects were embarrassing for a summer blockbuster and the anti-climactic finale left me unsatisfied (that’s what she said! Hey-o!), but my biggest problem was the plot. They took a genius book, which would work as a movie split into segments, and created a generic “race against the clock” action movie with zombies the infected. In the end, the movie did make tons of money at the box office and was the highest grossing movie of Brad Pitts career, but anyone who has read the book know how much better it could have been.

4. Iron Man 3
“Iron Man”? I liked it, a bit overrated but decent. “Iron Man 2”? Meh. “Iron Man 3” Not cool, bro, not cool. Listen, I usually love anything Shane Black does, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is on my top 10 off all time and that’s why this movie was so disappointing to me. When I first heard that Black is getting the writing and directing gig I was super excited. As far as writing goes, this is the guy that wrote all the “Lethal Weapon” movies and his resume is filled with action classics. “The Long Kiss Goodnight”, “The Last Boy Scout” and “The Last Action Hero” (which I recently re-watched for the first time as an adult…it’s so f-ing good). So we’re set from the writing perspective and the only movie Black directed was “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” which was great, so what happened? I don’t think Black is a comic book guy and it really came through on the screen. The whole Mandarin thing was a pointless twist, the fact that the Iron Man armors seen to fall apart like Legos was ridiculous and the trope of a kid teaching the hero a life lesson was annoying. Once again, the movie raked in the cash and was the biggest movie of the year, but I prefer Shane Black with a small budget doing grounded, more realistic action movies.

3. Gangster Squad
I have no idea why this movie didn’t work, everything to make it great was there but something about just wasn’t right. If I look at the movie individually, it’s great. Sean Penn as the psychotic villain is great, Gosling playing young rebel detective is spot on. For christ’s sake, Emma Stone plays a sultry 1940s arm candy! It sounds great on paper, but for some reason when it’s all put together it just falls apart. The movie looks too clean, too polished….it feels too much like a movie if that makes sense. It’s a bummer because the guy that made this movie was one of the guys behind “Zombieland” (I think we might have a 2005 Matt Damon/Ben Affleck or a 2013 Ben Affleck/Matt Damon situation going on here).

2. Spring Breakers
I loved the concept of this movie: take a couple innocent former Disney girls, hook them up with a redneck rapper/drug dealer and send them on a crime spree during spring break. Sounds awesome, right? This movie could have been awesome except the execution is totally flawed, it’s a perfect example of how a movie could be much better in the hands of another director. This movie is filled with so many needless scenes and monologues that you could cut 30 minutes out of it without missing a beat. The Disney girls are totally wasted (read: no boobies) and are so unlikable that you root against them, the end of the movie takes such a weird turn that it’s hard to make sense out of it. There are good moments in the movie, James Franco’s as Alien doing the improvised “Look at my shit” speech alone is worth the $2 you’ll pay at Redbox, but aside from that there really isn’t anything else that’s worth your time.

1. The Iceman
I’m pretty sure most people haven’t seen this movie. It never got a wide release and the only reason I heard about it and watched it is because I’m fascinated by the story of Richard Kuklinski (get the book here, it’s a great read). This was the role James Gandolfini (RIP) was born to play, but Michael Shannon already looks like a guy that eats puppies so that wasn’t my issue. My problem with this movie is they tried to make Kuklinski sympathetic which doesn’t work when you’re talking about a serial killer. The most fascinating thing about Kuklinski is that he was a remorseless murderer who had no qualms about shooting a stranger the the face with a crossbow because he wanted to know how efficient it would be to murder someone with a crossbow in the future. The guy was a monster and that’s what I hoped the movie would be about, instead they tried to turn him into a reluctant anti-hero type of guy who moped around at home because of his conscience. The point is the guy beat his wife and had the NYPD thinking there were 7 different serial killers loose in New York City. The movie refused to commit to the real story, which is by far much more interesting, and that’s why it was my biggest disappointment. You’re better of reading the book or watch the HBO interviews with Kuklinski himself.

TOP 5 MOVIES OF 2013

5. Pacific Rim
I really, really didn’t want to like this movie. As soon as I heard that del Toro is making a movie about giant robots fighting giant monsters I wanted it to fail. I don’t have anything against the guy, in fact “Pan’s Labyrinth” is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen, but there was something about the whole concept that annoyed me. It was like Hollywood was pandering to the geeks, giving us a processed version of what we like, but when I finally saw it I learned that it wasn’t the case at all. This is what a movie about giant robots should be like (looking at you “Transformers”), the characters make logical decisions, they’re likable and you can actually follow what’s going on during action sequences. I only wish I had seen it in the theater because seeing a giant robot rocket punch a hammerhead shark/Godzilla mash-up in IMAX would have been awesome. It’s kind of a bummer that “Pacific Rim” failed to connect with U.S. audiences and tanked at the box office, but luckily it was a huge hit overseas which gave del Toro the green light to start working on a sequel.

4. We’re The Millers
Holy crap! Did this movie take me by surprise or what?! This was one of the only two movies I’ve seen in the theater this year, and the only reason I went was because it was at one of those dinner & movie places that I’ve never been to. It’s not that I thought it was going to be terrible, I just considered it a generic comedy that would have its moments I’d chuckle at when I saw it a year or two down the line. I couldn’t be more wrong because this is one of those perfect comedies were every joke lands, every joke is hilarious and the actual plot is engaging. In my opinion, too many comedies these days are more like romantic comedies, were there are these 10-15 minute lulls that are all about the love part of the story. This movie, although it does include a romance, never misses a beat and weaves the plot and the comedy so there’s never a dull moment. This is one of those movies that people write off only to see it later and be surprised. Also, Jennifer Aniston does a striptease and god damn that woman is smoking hot! Brad Pitt really made a bad call because these days Jolie looks mannequin with hot dog lips and Anniston looks better then ever.

3. Man of Steel
This was the Superman movie I’ve always wanted, where he actually shows of how super he is. It’s what I wanted from “Superman Returns” and why I was so disappointed by that movie. Superman is literally the most powerful superhero ever, why would I want to see him get kicked around by a couple puny humans? I wanted to see him the punched through buildings, crash thru mountains, get hit with trains and have it barely phase him. This movie gave me exactly what I asked for on a silver platter, from Henry Cavill looking exactly like Superman to the action sequences, it was spectacular. The plot was interesting and although we got an “origin story” it wasn’t the usual 40 minutes before he actually uses his powers, the cuts back and forth worked great. I also need to point out that aside from James Cameron and Justin Lin, I don’t think there’s a better director at action sequences then Zack Snyder. Say what you say about “Sucker Punch” but the action scenes in that movie were flawless.

2. Gravity
The best experience I’ve had in a movie theater in my life next to “AVATAR”. It wasn’t just a movie, it was like a theme park ride except it filled you with dread, made you feel scared and alone. It made you feel helpless and small compared to the vastness of space, a movie about a situation where everything that could go wrong does go wrong. This was the only movie I have ever seen where I had to stop myself from yelling at the screen, that’s how invested you become in the characters. If you didn’t see this in the theater, you really missed out.

1. Evil Dead
Yep. I like “Evil Dead” that much. I never thought I’d be saying this, a horror movie being on my top of the year list, let alone be in top if my top of the year list. See, I have a really hard time connecting with horror movies because in my option they all suck. Yes, even “The Exorcist”. I’ve seen tons of horror flicks, but never considered them “good movies”, they were like a infommercial to me; something you watch because there’s literally nothing better on. They’re usually filled with dumb characters that make stupid decisions and when crazy, super gory over the top violence happens to them you don’t really care. Most horror movies these days are filled with cheap “jump scares” where something very loud happens during a quiet scene, it’s stupid and make akin to shock then fear. It’s like getting pricked by a thorn, your body jerks but you’re not actually scared of the thorn. If they’re not using “jump scares”, it’s gory/gross out violence but it usually happens to douchebag characters so you don’t really care. Once again, being grossed out isn’t the same as being scared. That’s why “Evil Dead” is my favorite movie of this year, because it took those horror movie tropes and used them to perfection. Were there “jump scares”? Yeah, but you knew they were coming and the lead up to them filled you with dread. They literally took the surprise out of a surprise and it still worked. Was there gory/gross out scenes? Yeah, but it was creative. The characters weren’t strapped to some crazy machine that rips their lungs out, the violence was gratuitous but relatable. For example, one of the scenes that made me squirm the most was a character getting a cut on her knee cap with a knife. The knife didn’t go through the knee and tons of blood didn’t pour out, it was a simple cut across, the same kind that happened on your finger countless times only on the knee and a little deeper. Now, I’m guessing reading that previous sentence made your knee tingle a little, didn’t it? That’s not to say “Evil Dead” isn’t gory, it literally rains blood at one point, but it’s creative to the point where it’s different from what you’ve seen countless times. Finally, if the actual horror aspect wasn’t enough, the characters in the movie bring it home. You actually care about these people, they’re not just a bunch if dumb teenagers looking to bang in a cabin. They feel like real people, not just cannon fodder so when they get hurt or die, it’s actually a bummer.

2012 and the Rest of it’s Movies (PART 1)

This is a pretty big year for movies so I figured I’ll do a rundown of a bunch of flicks headed to the theaters until the end of the year. Let me just point out before we get started that I didin’t mention every single movie that’s coming out, I’m just going through the major ones and the ones that fought my eye and I feel like thu deserve your attention (and ones that don’t). Frankly, if it doesn’t interest me then I’m not going to mention it and before I start to ramble on, let me just get into the meat and potatoes of the article. I’ll do it month by month, in the order of the release date

MAY

The Avengers

“The Avengers” Trailer

Now I realize this has already come out, but since we’re still in about the middle of May, I’ll include the movies that have come out this month. If you haven’t already heard, The Avengers is a huge success and it deserves every single record it has broken because the movie is absolutely incredible. Joss Wheadon, the director of The Avengers and the creator of such TV gems as Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and Firefly, had a huge task in front of him and he pulled it off flawlessly. This is by far one of the most entertaining things he has ever created and I truly belive the reason The Avengers is as good as it is because of Wheadons background as a comic book writer. He has a knack for being able to juggle and mix different personalities within a team and making it work, jut look at his run on The Astonishing X-Men to see how great he is at how skillfully he is at working with team work dynamics. He balances every member of The Avengers with art-like precision and the end product is a perfect balance of drama, humor and action. It never feels like its an Ironman movie, a Captain America movie or a Thor movie, it just feels like an Avengers movie. The scenes with the Hulk completely out shine the previous two movies the green Goliath previously starred in and Whedon makes The Black Widow’s storyline play out so perfectly that fans are already clamping for a solo movie starring the Russian assassin who is played to perfection by the big boobied Scarlet Johanson (we were all thinking it, I just said it). Do yourself a favor, see the movie in the theaters in IMAX and if you feel like you wasted your money I’ll buy you lunch

Men In Black 3

“Men in Black 3” Trailer

Loved the first one, disliked the second one and don’t really care about the third one. Look, when MIB came out in the late 90s it was fresh, Will Smith as as an actor was new and the special effects were pushing the boundaries of those times. The script was original (even tho it was based on a comic book) and everybody fell in love with it, besides, how could you forget the theme song performed by the fresh prince himself? When MIB2 came out, it was a natural response to the success of the first movie. MIB made a huge impact at the box office and people loved it and wanted more so the studio did exactly what a studio does in that scenario, they rushed the sequel out sacrificing quality in order to get it out sooner. Did MIB2 make money? Of course it did, but not as much as the first one and it wasn’t as well liked as the first one. Now this is what gave the studio pause on the third film: Although MIB2 made its money back, the fact that not as many people liked it increased the risk of people not seeing the third one, therefore making it a financial loss. Basically, the cons outweighed the pros and the third flick was never made. Fast forward to about 10 years later, this time the studio is betting on the nostalgia factor and the return of Will Smith after a 4 year absence from the theaters to help out with the gross of the movie, but count me out. I’ve always felt like this was a one movie premise, the whole point being someone who has no idea that this stuff exists being thrown into a world full of it. The sequels are unneeded and uninspired so the only way I’ll see this in on HBO in about 18 months

Dark Shadows

“Dark Shadows” Trailer

Yet another movie starring Johnny Depp and directed by Tim Burton….color me unimpressed. Don’t get me wrong, Depp is a great actor and Burton a pretty good director, but it seems like they are both stuck in the same place when they get together. It just seems to me like all their movies look and feel exactly the same, with Depp playing the weird, quirky character and Burton shooting everything to look like an Emo kids dream. It’s just that after “Edward Scissorhans”‘, “Sweeny Todd”, “Alice in Wonderland” and now “Dark Shadows”, Burton and Depps collaborations feel stagnant. Scorsese knew when to bail on De Niro, Burton should know its time to bail on Depp.

JUNE

Snow White and The Huntsman

“Snow White and the Huntsman” Trailer

As soon as I saw the trailer for this a few months back I knew I would be seeing this in the theater. I love movies that are filled with visual flair and imagination going wild, and this film definitely hits those spots. The special effects seem incredible, and the dark twist on an old story seems to work (although purists will know that the original Snow White story is even darker and more sinister then this). I know that all the twilight haters will refuse to see this because Bella is the main character, and admittedly I am one of those haters I’m willing to give the girl a chance. Thor’s in this as well wielding an axe instead of a hammer and the film also stars some of my favorite actors form the UK as the dwarfs. The directing seems really good, the score is amazing, the……..who am I kidding? I’m on board because Charlize Theron is in it. I am absolutely in love with her, like not healthy in love with her. I could watch her reading a phone book and it would be the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen. Wanna hear something gross? ……I’m not going to tell you but for all the guys reading this: Watch the trailer again. You know the scene with Charlize? What would a perv say about that? Yeah…..that what I was going got write.

Piranha 3DD

“Piranha 3DD” Trailer

I love movies that fall into the category of “So Bad it’s Good”, even more so I love “So Bad it’s Good” movies that know that they fall into that category and embrace it. I didint see the first “Piranha 3D” until it showed up on HBO, and even then i only saw it at my friends urging. I expected it to be bad, but I didint expect it to know it was bad and that’s what made it so great. The creators behind this knew that all people were expecting when they saw this was boobies, blood and killer fish and that’s exactly what they gave us and for that they are geniuses. I truly belive that it’s harder to make a “So Bad it’s Good” movie than an actual good movie, there’s a by fine line you have to walk, a perfect balance you have to hold between cheesy and serious. You don’t want to go too cheesy because then it will just become a parody, and you don’t want to go too serious because then the movie will go from “So Bad it s Good” to just plain old bad. I can’t wait to see this sequel, although I won’t waste $13 on a theater ticket I might be willing to drop $4 on it when it shows up onDemand.

Prometheus

“Prometheus” Trailer

Let me just say this right off the bat since a lot of people seem to still be in the dark about this fact: “Prometheus” is a prequel to “Alien”. In the original movie, the crew of Nostromo received an SOS signal and went to help which is what started the whole thing. The ship that sent the SOS signal was Prometheus. I really can’t write a lot about this movie because I have purposefully kept myself in the dark as not to get spoiled on anything and to be totally surprised when I see it in the theaters. I did see a couple of trailers for it, and I just have to say that I love the vibe of the movie, it has that 80s vibe. Aside from “District 9”, we really haven’t had a good Sci-Fi movie in a long time, I guess we had “Star Trek” a few years ago but I don’t consider that Sci-Fi, it’s too well know and too ingrain in our pop culture. A true Sci-Fi movie should be very unfamiliar, when you enter the theater you should have that “into the unknown” feeling and Prometheus has it and that’s why I’ve avoided spoilers like e plague. The late 1970s and the 1980s were the prime of Sci-Fi movies with classics like “Mad Max”, “The Terminator”, “Escape From New York” and “Blade Runner”. Ever since CGI became more affordable then practical effects, Sci-Fi movie have been slowly diluted into all out action extravaganzas. With a few exceptions like “District 9”, Sci-Fi became and excuse to blow stuff up in cool ways by cool characters, like “Transformers”. They became a perfect example of style over substance, they all became action movies at their core without any effort to use the technology if CGI to make an interesting story. For example, if you took out CGI and could only use practical effects (ie. puppets, miniatures etc) how do you think any of the “Transformers” movies would have turned out? They would be horrible because they are all about the special effects. Now on the other hand take “District 9”, even without the special effects it would have been a great movie because they storyline is exceptional. That’s what I’m hoping “Prometheus” is; an amazing movie with amazing special effects.

That’s My Boy

“That’s My Boy” Trailer

A lot of people have been disappointed with Adam Sandler in the past few years, and yes, I somewhat do fall into that category although not as deep as others do. Obviously, his first movies were the best, “Billy Madison” and “Happy Gilmore” are classics and “Big Daddy” was great, but movies like “Mr. Deeds”, “50 First Dates”, “Anger Management” and “The Longest Yard” are utterly forgettable. I think around the Zohan movie is when most of his fans gave up on him, and you can include me in that category. However, about a year ago I was channel surfing and happened upon “Grown Ups” on HBO (yes, I watch HBO a lot) and found myself laughing, I realized that Adam Sandler hasn’t really changed since “Billy Madison”. His comedy stayed the same throughout all these years and it was me who has gotten older and doesn’t find that kind of humor hilarious anymore, funny but not hilarious. I watched “Billy Madison” recently and recognized the fact that if it came out yesterday I might have not even seen in. I find it hilarious because when I was a kid watching it I found it hilarious, I guess you could call it nostalgic humor; finding something funny because you used to think it was funny. There’s still some missteps once in a while like “Jack and Jill”, which I don’t think I’ll see unless it’s free on cable and I’m drunk, but the recent “Just Go With It” wasn’t as bad as critics made it out to be. Anyway, I’m looking forward to “That’s My Boy” because I like Andy Samberg and it seems like a return to an R rated comedy for Sandler which I can’t wait to see.

Rock of Ages

“Rock of Ages” Trailer

Go ahead, laugh at me if you wish, but I’m a sucker for a good musical and I’m not ashamed to admit it. “Grease” is one of my all time favorite movies and the 1980 are one of my favorite periods in musical history, a movie that combines the two cant go wrong in my book. I’m usually not a fan of the “Glee” type of a musical were they take great original songs and give it a tweak here and there. The song was great for a reason so why the hell are you changing it? I’m also not a fan of musicals not having their own material and using existing songs,(one of the reasons I love “Grease” do much is because all their songs were original and they were all great) but I’m willing to give “Rock of Ages” a pass since it would be damn hard to recreate incredible songs like Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”. I’ll most likely not see this in the theaters’ either out of embarrassment or the fact it’s so expensive to see a movie nowadays, but I’ll definitely catch in on DVD or onDemand. It’s a musical based in the 1980s with licensed music starring Tom Cruise, it’s going to be like a 90 music vide with a storyline and great tunes….how can you go wrong?

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” Trailer

If you don’t roll your eyes after reading or hearing the title of this movie I’m pretty sure theres something wrong with you. I mean, seriously? Honest Abe hunting vampires? I know it’s a movie, I know it’s based on a really good comic book and I know that vampires a “in” these days but COME ON! If the title of a movie makes you laugh and it’s not a comedy, you have a serious problem on your hands. When I first heard of this I honestly though it was a joke, and to be perfectly frank, I still kind of do. I’m not sure why Timur Bekmambetov agreed to do this movie after his success with “Wanted” because he could have picked any action movie he wanted. I’m familiar with his previous work in Russia, and for any film fan out there that doesn’t mind reading subtitles I highly recommend “Daywatch” and “Nightwatch”, he is truly a skilled director but his choice to do this movie baffles me. I’ll tell you right now: this movie will be a massive flop. I know that it only cost $70 million but I doubt that in a summer of blockbusters people will want to spend their money on something that makes them scratch their head and think to themselves “Is this Serious?”

Brave

“Brave” Trailer

In my humble opinion, an opinion that is absolutely not shared in the movie geek community, PIXAR and their films are extremely over rated. The “Toy Story” films were good with only “Toy Story 3” getting into the great category. “Finding Nemo”, ” The Incredibles”, “Monsters Inc” and “Ratatouille” were entertaining, both “Cars” films were terrible and “Wall-E” and “Up” we’re so unjustifiably praised that it makes me question people’s sanity. I mean for a kids movie, “Up” was so depressing that it would give “Requiem for a Dream” a run for its money. I find myself enjoying the Dreamworks animated films, like “How to Train Your Dragon” and all the “Ice Ages” and “Shreks” more then the Pixar animated outings. It’s like Dreamworks makes these movies for kids with multiple tongue in cheek references for adults while Pixar makes these semi-kid/ semi-adult movies that are not really sure who their audience is. Reading this, you probable already know my view on “Brave” but I’ll say it anyway: I’ll wait to watch 15 minutes of it on cable in 5 years.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

“Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”

A lot of people don’t know about this movie, at least not yet, and it’s totally justifiable. It’s one of those major studio productions that tries to any it off as an independent movie to make the audience think that it’s some fancy art house film. If you’re one of those people, the basic plot outline is that the world is about to end and Steve Carell is looking for someone to enjoy his last moments with. I love Steve Carell but I hope this isn’t one of those roles where he is playing it straight and realistic because after years of seeing him as Michael Scott on “The Office” and Rick in “Anchorman” I can’t take him as a serious actor. I hate to pigeonhole an actor into one type of role, but he played Michael Scott so well for so many years that whenever I see him in something serious all I can think of is him calling Dwight an ignorant slut. Aside from Steve Carell, this cast includes a whole lot of funny guys like Rob Huebel and Rob Corddry and I’ll hold my judgement on this movie until I know more about it but I’ll have a feeling I’ll avoid this one just like I did with “Dan in Real Life” and “Little Miss Sunshine”‘ the latter, by the way, being the most over rated movie of the last 10 years in my personal opinion.

GI Joe: Retaliation

“GI Joe: Retaliation” Trailer

When I originally started working on this blog “GI Joe 2” was still scheduled to be released in July of this year, however around 3 weeks ago Paramount Pictures pushed the movies release date all the way back to summer of 2013. They said the reason for the change was to give the special effects team more time to convert it to 3D, but over the last couple of weeks various sources have come out and said that when the movie was shown to test audiences the results were very negative. Apparently the reason for that being is that Channing Tatum’s character dies in the first 10 minutes of the sequel and the test audience wasn’t a very big fan of that. The problem is that this move is going to cost Paramount a huge amount of money since not only will they have to add an additional year of shooting which includes paying much more money to the actors and crew, but also in terms of marketing. Paramount has spent tens of millions of dollars advertising the movie with the release date of 2012 and now all that money has gone down the drain. Basically if you break it down it goes like this: Officially the budget for the movie is $125 million and that’s not including the marketing budget. It’s usually a pretty safe bet to estimate the marketing budget and around half of the production budget, in this case let’s say $50 million and that brings us to around $175 million before this faux pas. Let’s just say that the additional year of filming is going to run them $35 million, and that’s me being very generous since its probably closer to $60 million. Now, they are going to have to market the movie from scratch so there goes another $50 million, so now were adding a total of $85 million to the budget that was originally green lighted for only $175 million and this brings us to a total budget of $260 million. Budgets like that are usually reserved for guaranteed hits, movies like “The Avengers” or “Transformers” not semi-successful, barely-made-their-money-back movies like the original “GI Joe”. This is a huge risk for Paramount and they stand to loose a huge amount of money if this film is incredibly successful when it’s finally released which I really doubt it will.

JULY

The Amazing Spider-man

“The Amazing Spider-man” Trailer

One of the most annoying trends going on in Hollywood right now is the remake trend, taking basically every movie from before the year 2000 and giving us a remake of it or a really crappy sequel (I’m looking at you “Live Free or Die Hard”). Making remakes of older movies is one thing, but taking a movie from 2002, a movie that we all saw and remember very well, and remaking it is really pushing it. If it was at least a semi-sequel like “The Incredible Hulk”, were it kind of follows the original but not really, that would be fine but Sony decided the go full remake on old web head, treating it like its a brand new movie. I’m a huge comic book fan and Spidey is one of my favorites, I make sure I see all the comic book movies out there but I refuse to sit through another movie of his that spend half of its running time explaining his origins. Everybody and their mom saw the original “Spiderman”, when it came out it held the record for the biggest opening weekend of all time, we don’t need another explanation of how he got his powers. He got bitten by a radioactive spider, even if you never read a comic book you know that, spidermans origin is part of pop culture. Aside from that, just looking at the trailers makes me think that this is aimed at the twilight crowd which is basically the opposite of the comic book crowd this movie should be for. The director, Marc Webb (I swear that’s his real name) only has one semi big budget movie under his belt and its “500 Days of Summer” which is a teen romance movie. I think I’m going to sit this movie out and wait for the DVD unless I hear it’s amazing from my fellow geeks.

Savages

“Savages” Trailer

Not many people know about this movie and I don’t blame them, the movie has kept a very low profile and the expectations for this one are very low. If you don’t know, the plot centers about two California marijuana growers who battle it out with a Mexican cartel when one of their girlfriends is kidnapped. The way I see it, this movie is going to either be terrible or very good and I’m basing that simply on the director and the cast. When it comes to me, Oliver Stone is a hit or miss type of guy and so is John Travolta, Benicio del Toro and Selma Hayek. If they pull it off this could be a fun action thriller, the sort we have sorely missed the last couple of years. Aside from that I kind of feel bad for Taylor Kitsh who is the lead in this one, so far the guy has been the lead in two major productions: “John Carter” and “Battleship”. Both of those movies have been complete and utter failures, literally costing the studios that produced them millions and millions of dollars. If Kitsh doesn’t get a hit on his resume soon he’s going to be viewed as box office poison and his next starring role will be in “Do You Want Fries With That?”.

Ted

“Ted” Trailer

Finally, after spending more the 10 years of making America laugh on the small screen, Seth McFarlane is bringing his type of humor to the big screen, how awesome is that?….If you couldn’t tell, I was being sarcastic in the previous sentence. I haven’t watched “Family Guy” or any of McFarlane’s othe animated shows in years. I found the one note, one joke premise of his style of comedy played during the 4th season of “Family Guy”, but I’m not judging those who do. After all, I am the guy who still finds “The Simpsons” and “Seinfeld” funny although I’ve seen every episode at least twice, all I’m saying is that’s just not my brand of humor. However, I can’t say I’m not intrigued by what McFarlane is going to do on the big screen, I’m not expecting much but I hope to be pleasantly surprised. The premise of the movie is the same as his TV shows with a kind of a dumb slacker being best friends with a talking pot head animal that no one finds weird it can talk. Well, I guess there is a difference because this time the animal is a stuffed bear!!! I know I sound like a hater here, but I’m really not, I just think its fun to laugh at a lack of creativity displayed in everything McFarlane does, but I can’t say I blame the guy. He found something that works and is running with it. Also, from what I’ve seen from the trailers, the movie might be kind of funny and I’m hoping for the best since this summer is seriously lacking any high profile comedies.

Ice Age: Continental Drift

“Ice Age: Continental Drift” Trailer

I mentioned before, when I was talking about Pixar’s “Brave”, that I wasn’t a huge fan of the Pixar animated movies, but in all honesty that’s not really true. I’m not really fan of many animated movies, especially most of the animated features that are released these days. I’m not sure whether it’s just me getting older, It’s just I don’t feel the same about animated movies like a did years ago, but if you were to throw “The Lion King” in the DVD player I’d sit there and love every minute of it. I know that it takes the same amount of work to make a computer generated image as it does to draw one, perhaps even more, but I just can’t connect to the characters the same way. There’s just something special to me about drawing artists slaving over hundreds of pieces of papers, drawing a two hour movie frame by frame. I’m getting way off topic here so let me just double back, although I prefer classic animation to CGI I still enjoy the current trend of animated films. If I had to make a choice, I’d go with “Ice Age” rather then any of the Pixar film (except for “Toy Story 3”), it just seems to me like Pixar tries too hard and Dreamworks has fun with it.

FYI: Just for you guys, this is a secret “Dark Knight Rises” poster that you will only see here…..and most other movie sites, but it will take a lot of effort so….enjoy.

The Dark Knight Rises

“The Dark Knight Rises” Trailer

Much like “Prometheus” I’ve kept myself in the dark about the upcoming Batman threequel, and yes that is an actual word. No matter how hard you try tho, with a movie of this proportions, with this much hype and popularity you’re bound to find out more than you’d like. Before you continue reading, I just want to let you know that I have no real (read:confirmed) spoilers for this movie, but I do have some plot and character details that I will go into here so if you want to go into the movie completely in the dark STOP READING NOW! Is everybody gone? OK, let’s continue. We know that this is the last “Batman” movie for Christopher Nolan and its the end to his batman trilogy. What I mean by the end is that this batman, in this universe, is finished after this one. Whether that means that Bruce Wayne dies or retires is still a well guarded secret by the production team. This time old Bats is squaring off against Bane, a very formidable villain in the comics,and from what it looks like, as well as onscreen. We get the addition fans have been clamoring for since Nolan started with the Bat-films and that is adding Catwoman to the cast, but I have come to find out she is never referred to as “Catwoman” in the film. The new cast member whose presence is puzzling every fan out there is the role Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays. All we know is that Appearantly he plays some sort of law enforcement agent by the name of John Blake, a character that has never existed in the comics. Now Nolan went on record many years ago that he will never have a “Robin” in his batman movies, but (and this is fan speculation only) there are people out there that belive Bruce Wayne will die in this one only to have the mantle of the Bat taken over by John Blake. All of this is simply fanboy speculation and nobody will know exactly what happens until the movie is released, Nolan is good like that when it comes to keeping the plot under wraps. All we know for sure is when this movie hits, it’s going to hit hard and I believe box office records broken by “The Avengers” will be broken again. Nolan is coming off a string of super successfull films (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Inception) and because of how good his previous Batman film was, the anticipation for this one is sky high.

The Watch

“The Watch” Trailer

Before I start on this, you guys want to hear another example of political correctness going to far in America? OK. “The Watch” used to be called “The Neighborhood Watch”‘ but because of the whole Trayvon Martin case they changed it because it might offend people. Yes, unfortunately we live in a time and place where stuff like this happens but enough about the name change and let’s talk about the movie. The movie stars Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn Jonah Hill as a group of dads that start a neighborhood watch group and fight off an alien invasion. I had no idea about the alien angle until I saw a trailer for this a few weeks back, I just thought this was a run of the mill comedy where they’ll end up fighting a cartel or something. I was pleasantly surprised by the alien reveal, but also a little worried because mixing Sci-Fi and comedy is much tougher then it looks. I really hope they can pull it off and I really hope the stars of this flick step up to the plate, because when it comes to the two main actors in this they really need to prove they still have it. Stiller used to be funny (check out “The Ben Stiller Show”) but he hasn’t made a good movie in years and in my eyes, Vaughn was never really a comedy genius. He pretty much played the same cynical asshole in everything he’s ever been in, but if you make his character feel like he belongs in said world he’ll at least be entertaining.

Step Up: Revolution

“Step Up: Revolution” Trailer

I’m not really sure why I’m including this movie on this list, the target audience that reads this is definetly not the same target audience that goes to see Step Up movies. Honestly, I beg you (and I’m 100% serious about this), if you’re planning on seeing “Step Up: Revolution” please leave a comment on here because I would love to have proof that you exist. I’m not sure what I can say about this movie because the deciding factor of you seeing it is very simple: Do you like dancing? Then go see this movie. If I may just give you a warning, because it happened to me a couple years back, if you’re going to see this movie in 3D with a girl make sure that the theater has a 3D screen before you purchase you tickets. Otherwise, you might be stuck like I was, watching “Step Up 3D” without the “D”.

Thank you very much for reading part one of “2012 and the Rest of it’s Movies (PART1)”. Part 2 will be up shortly.

Wally World Classics: Worst Movies of ’09

10. Paul Blart: Mallcop

Ohhh Kevin James, I loved your show “King of Queens” and I thought your stand up “Sweat the Small Stuff” was very funny, then you sold out. Starring in this piece of crap really turned me off to any of your future films. This movie is so bland, so predictable…..”Hey look! It’s a Fat guy trying to do athletic stuff! That’s hilarious!!”. I really think this movie ruined it for “Observe and Report”, I think people saw this horse turd and when they saw the preview for “O&R” they figured it’s another crappy mall cop movie.

9. Adventureland

I figured a movie directed by the guy that did “Superbad” and starring the kid who played Columbus in “Zombieland” would be hilarious…..and I figured wrong. This movie is boring, it’s classified as a comedy but I chuckled once or twice through out the whole 107 minute running time. The only reason I didn’t turn this wreck off in the middle of watching it was because I kept looking forward to any scene with Bill Hader, the only saving grace of this dull-fest.

8. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

When you’re planning on having a movie become a summer blockbuster, you better make sure you get these 3 things: Great looking special effects, charismatic lead actor and an awesome final battle. The 3 things you need are the 3 things that are missing from G.I. Joe. The special effects look like they belong in 2005, and Channing Tatum can be out-acted by a dead monkey. The final piece, the final battle, is terrible, first off, one half of it takes place under water and you can’t even see half the action that goes on. The second half is a ninja battle between Snake Eyes and Shadow Storm, and once again, it embarrassingly bad. Snake Eyes, the ninja that was somersaulting over flipping/exploding cars all the while staying on top of a Cobra assault vehicle not 30 mins ago seems to have forgotten how to jump or pretty much do anything ninja-like. It’s a fight that has been building up since the beginning of the movie, and it’s a total disappointment.

7. Angels & Demons

Yes, you are reading that right. I would rather watch a movie filled with fat jokes, a dull comedy that misplaced all it’s jokes and what looks like a student film with a bigger budget then a movie directed by Ron Howard starring Tom Hanks. Why? I think it’s because I read the book before I saw the movie and it seems like they cut out all the best parts. All the tension that was in the novel is gone, the villain (although pretty cool) is nothing compared to the crazy albino from “The Da Vinci Code”. The plot is riddled with holes, and the puzzles don’t have that “I should have figured that out!” quality to them. For shame, Howard and Hanks, for shame….I expected more from the both of you.

6. Funny People

Up until a while ago, Judd Apatow was a comedy god, thanks to him we have “40 Year Old Virgin”, “Anchorman”, “Knocked Up” and “Superbad”. That was until I saw “Funny People” and it ruined Apatow for me because of how terribly unbalanced and pointless the movie was. All the jokes, and I repeat ALL THE JOKES, fell flat, through out the 120+ minutes of the movie I never laughed, I never chuckled, I never even smiled. At least with the previous entries, there was a set audience, people the movie was meant for. With “Funny People” you have no idea who the audiance for the movie is.

5. Dance Flick

The same thing that happened with Aptow, happened to the Wayans brothers, except where Aptow experimented and failed, the Wayans brothers simply stopped being funny. I remember watch “Don’t Be a Menace” and laughing at sharp, witty humor that filled that movie. Hell, even the first two “Scary Movies” were funny, but then “White Chicks” happen and I felt uneasy. A few years later “Little Man” came out, and I asked myself “Did the Wayne’s Brothers loose it?”, finally that question was answered with “Dance Flick” and it was a huge YES. Their satirical comedy was once on par with “The Naked Gun” series, now it’s just moronic and gross.

4. 2012

How many times can the world be destroyed before audiences finally get sick of it? Apparently never since Ronald Emmerich is still making movies that are making money. 2012 was a hit at the Box Office, but that’s because it was almost an effects reel with some mind numbing dumb story thrown in to glue it all together. In this movie, we’re introduced to characters just to see them die 5 mines later, no character is developed so we never care I they live or die, and seriously, can you get a less charismatic actor then John Cusak? It’s really disappointing that it made so much money since it means we’ll get another end-of-the-world movie from Emmerich in the next few years.

3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I saw this movie as soon as it leaked online, and I hated it. Then FOX started claiming that the real version is totally different then the leaked version, so I gave it another shot, and I still hated it…. actually, I hated it even more. The pacing, the characters, the plot, and pretty much everything else in this movie is off, and the worst thing it that it doesn’t even seem to focus on Wolverine. Sure, he’s the main character in the movie, but it’s like Gavin Hood decided to fill this movie wig as many mutants as possible. The cool characters don’t get enough screen time, the lame ones out stay their welcome by a mile and o course, Wolverine cries, because the world toughest, almost-psychopathic mutant has to cry at least in once per movie. (I think it’s in his contract)

2. Dragonball Z: Evolution

I remember watching the final battle of “The Matrix: Revolutions”, Neo and Smith flying around, smashing each other through buildings and I thought “This is Goku vs. Vegeta…this is how it should look.” Finally the announcement: Dragonball Z in theaters in 2009. I was so excited, but then news started leaking: that Goku was a teenager, that it was going to be set in high school, that there was no Krillin. It didn’t look to promising, but I remained hopeful….until I saw it.My fears have been realized, it was terrible, they ruined it by changing the story so much it should have said “inspired by Dragonball Z”. Maybe the casual viewer wasn’t as disappointed by the movie like me, but I was a fan of the original anime, I read all the manga comics, I know how amazing this could have been, instead they turned it into one long episode of Dawson’s Creek with powers.

1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

I’d like to think my sister and I are both movie geeks, very different movie geeks but geeks nonetheless. She loves to watch movies, pretty much any kind as long as she has free time to do so, but where she watches movie for the entertainment, I feel the need to nit pick them with a fine toothed comb. Sometimes I sit back and wish I was the kind of geek she is, were I could watch a movie, a bad movie, and just enjoy the ride but I cannot. She LOVED both Transformers movies, we had a discussion once and she told me she saw their faults, looked past them and enjoyed the spectacle. I, on the other hand, kind of liked the first TF movie, it was dumb mindless action but it was OK, I saw it once on the big screen and I’m never planning on seeing it again. The second one though, ohhhhh….I LOATHED the second TF movie, I can literally say it is the worst movie I have ever seen, and I’ve seen some turd burgers. While the previously mentioned “turd burgers” were so cheesy that they were fun to watch (See: Commando), Transformers 2 thinks it a good movie, but it doesn’t even come close. You can polish and gold plate a piece of crap all you want, but after all, it’s still just a polished, gold plated piece of crap. From the 50 plot holes, to the unorganized action to the blatantly racist robots all the way to the magic white pants that Meghan Fox is wearing that never seem to get dirty, no matter how many explosions she’s in (my sis actually pointed that on out). I really want to get my hands of the script for this movie, because I truly believe there were more words describing explosions then actual characters and dialogue. The movie is terrible, from start to finish; it feels like a job watching it.

The Trailer Ketchup (12/13/11)

*******UPDATE #4*******

The Dark Knight Rises
This one isn’t the best quality because it hasn’t been officially released, but it’s good enough. This one will be epic.

*********UPDATE #3*********

Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance
I hated the first one, but with the guys that made the “Crank” movies behind this one I’ll be there opening weekend.

**********UPDATE #2**********

The Expendables 2
I was going to wait until next weeks Trailer Ketchup to post it, but it’s way too cool to hold off on. I mean, “The Expandables” was already a fun movie and now the sequel is Chuck-ified (or is it Norris-ified?). Not much in this trailer except for quick shots of all of the cast, but what else do we need? An action movie starring Stallone, Norris, Willis, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger is already a fanboys wet dream.

Big ups to my cousin who let me know about this trailer yesterday.

**********UPDATE**********

The Dictator
The new movie by Sacha Baron Cohen, the creator of Borat and Ali G. This trailer is fine, but I doubt the movie will be able to bring back the magic of “Borat”. (I do like the crack about the Kardashians tho)

Hopefully this will be another weekly column I can provide. Click on the title of the movie to view the trailer. Enjoy.

G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation
So it looks like they dumped 99% of the cast from the first one, and the word is Channing Tatum is going to bite it in the first few minutes of this. I already like the feel of this more then the original. I mean The Rock+Bruce Willis+’Splosions=You Can’t Go Wrong.

Rock of Ages
I knew about this flick for a while, but I had no idea it was going to be a musical. I thought it was going to be more biographical, kind of like “Rockstar” with Mark Wahlberg but I guess not. I’m not a big fan of musicals in the first place, especially when they don’t do original material. I’m gonna be skipping this in the theater, but I’ll probably catch it on TV sometime.

Men in Black III
There’s nothing to really say about this movie since its threequel, you already know if you’ll see it or not. I really liked the original but the sequel lost it for me, it just didn’t have the charm of “MIB”. I most definitely won’t be there on opening day, but I might check it out if the word of mouth is good.

Young Adult
I cannot wait to see this. I love Charlize Theron, who is both hot and funny, and on top of that Patton Oswalt is in this. The premise looks great and the writing is just dry enough to make you laugh, but not beat you over the head with the punch line.