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10. Paul Blart: Mallcop

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Ohhh Kevin James, I loved your show “King of Queens” and I thought your stand up “Sweat the Small Stuff” was very funny, then you sold out. Starring in this piece of crap really turned me off to any of your future films. This movie is so bland, so predictable…..”Hey look! It’s a Fat guy trying to do athletic stuff! That’s hilarious!!”. I really think this movie ruined it for “Observe and Report”, I think people saw this horse turd and when they saw the preview for “O&R” they figured it’s another crappy mall cop movie.

9. Adventureland

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I figured a movie directed by the guy that did “Superbad” and starring the kid who played Columbus in “Zombieland” would be hilarious…..and I figured wrong. This movie is boring, it’s classified as a comedy but I chuckled once or twice through out the whole 107 minute running time. The only reason I didn’t turn this wreck off in the middle of watching it was because I kept looking forward to any scene with Bill Hader, the only saving grace of this dull-fest.

8. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

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When you’re planning on having a movie become a summer blockbuster, you better make sure you get these 3 things: Great looking special effects, charismatic lead actor and an awesome final battle. The 3 things you need are the 3 things that are missing from G.I. Joe. The special effects look like they belong in 2005, and Channing Tatum can be out-acted by a dead monkey. The final piece, the final battle, is terrible, first off, one half of it takes place under water and you can’t even see half the action that goes on. The second half is a ninja battle between Snake Eyes and Shadow Storm, and once again, it embarrassingly bad. Snake Eyes, the ninja that was somersaulting over flipping/exploding cars all the while staying on top of a Cobra assault vehicle not 30 mins ago seems to have forgotten how to jump or pretty much do anything ninja-like. It’s a fight that has been building up since the beginning of the movie, and it’s a total disappointment.

7. Angels & Demons

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Yes, you are reading that right. I would rather watch a movie filled with fat jokes, a dull comedy that misplaced all it’s jokes and what looks like a student film with a bigger budget then a movie directed by Ron Howard starring Tom Hanks. Why? I think it’s because I read the book before I saw the movie and it seems like they cut out all the best parts. All the tension that was in the novel is gone, the villain (although pretty cool) is nothing compared to the crazy albino from “The Da Vinci Code”. The plot is riddled with holes, and the puzzles don’t have that “I should have figured that out!” quality to them. For shame, Howard and Hanks, for shame….I expected more from the both of you.

6. Funny People

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Up until a while ago, Judd Apatow was a comedy god, thanks to him we have “40 Year Old Virgin”, “Anchorman”, “Knocked Up” and “Superbad”. That was until I saw “Funny People” and it ruined Apatow for me because of how terribly unbalanced and pointless the movie was. All the jokes, and I repeat ALL THE JOKES, fell flat, through out the 120+ minutes of the movie I never laughed, I never chuckled, I never even smiled. At least with the previous entries, there was a set audience, people the movie was meant for. With “Funny People” you have no idea who the audiance for the movie is.

5. Dance Flick

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The same thing that happened with Aptow, happened to the Wayans brothers, except where Aptow experimented and failed, the Wayans brothers simply stopped being funny. I remember watch “Don’t Be a Menace” and laughing at sharp, witty humor that filled that movie. Hell, even the first two “Scary Movies” were funny, but then “White Chicks” happen and I felt uneasy. A few years later “Little Man” came out, and I asked myself “Did the Wayne’s Brothers loose it?”, finally that question was answered with “Dance Flick” and it was a huge YES. Their satirical comedy was once on par with “The Naked Gun” series, now it’s just moronic and gross.

4. 2012

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How many times can the world be destroyed before audiences finally get sick of it? Apparently never since Ronald Emmerich is still making movies that are making money. 2012 was a hit at the Box Office, but that’s because it was almost an effects reel with some mind numbing dumb story thrown in to glue it all together. In this movie, we’re introduced to characters just to see them die 5 mines later, no character is developed so we never care I they live or die, and seriously, can you get a less charismatic actor then John Cusak? It’s really disappointing that it made so much money since it means we’ll get another end-of-the-world movie from Emmerich in the next few years.

3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

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I saw this movie as soon as it leaked online, and I hated it. Then FOX started claiming that the real version is totally different then the leaked version, so I gave it another shot, and I still hated it…. actually, I hated it even more. The pacing, the characters, the plot, and pretty much everything else in this movie is off, and the worst thing it that it doesn’t even seem to focus on Wolverine. Sure, he’s the main character in the movie, but it’s like Gavin Hood decided to fill this movie wig as many mutants as possible. The cool characters don’t get enough screen time, the lame ones out stay their welcome by a mile and o course, Wolverine cries, because the world toughest, almost-psychopathic mutant has to cry at least in once per movie. (I think it’s in his contract)

2. Dragonball Z: Evolution

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I remember watching the final battle of “The Matrix: Revolutions”, Neo and Smith flying around, smashing each other through buildings and I thought “This is Goku vs. Vegeta…this is how it should look.” Finally the announcement: Dragonball Z in theaters in 2009. I was so excited, but then news started leaking: that Goku was a teenager, that it was going to be set in high school, that there was no Krillin. It didn’t look to promising, but I remained hopeful….until I saw it.My fears have been realized, it was terrible, they ruined it by changing the story so much it should have said “inspired by Dragonball Z”. Maybe the casual viewer wasn’t as disappointed by the movie like me, but I was a fan of the original anime, I read all the manga comics, I know how amazing this could have been, instead they turned it into one long episode of Dawson’s Creek with powers.

1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

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I’d like to think my sister and I are both movie geeks, very different movie geeks but geeks nonetheless. She loves to watch movies, pretty much any kind as long as she has free time to do so, but where she watches movie for the entertainment, I feel the need to nit pick them with a fine toothed comb. Sometimes I sit back and wish I was the kind of geek she is, were I could watch a movie, a bad movie, and just enjoy the ride but I cannot. She LOVED both Transformers movies, we had a discussion once and she told me she saw their faults, looked past them and enjoyed the spectacle. I, on the other hand, kind of liked the first TF movie, it was dumb mindless action but it was OK, I saw it once on the big screen and I’m never planning on seeing it again. The second one though, ohhhhh….I LOATHED the second TF movie, I can literally say it is the worst movie I have ever seen, and I’ve seen some turd burgers. While the previously mentioned “turd burgers” were so cheesy that they were fun to watch (See: Commando), Transformers 2 thinks it a good movie, but it doesn’t even come close. You can polish and gold plate a piece of crap all you want, but after all, it’s still just a polished, gold plated piece of crap. From the 50 plot holes, to the unorganized action to the blatantly racist robots all the way to the magic white pants that Meghan Fox is wearing that never seem to get dirty, no matter how many explosions she’s in (my sis actually pointed that on out). I really want to get my hands of the script for this movie, because I truly believe there were more words describing explosions then actual characters and dialogue. The movie is terrible, from start to finish; it feels like a job watching it.

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Comments
  1. Patrick says:

    Funny stuff. I never thought about that Wolverine thing. And it would be hilarious to see the script for Transformers II.

  2. Elaine says:

    These are truly fantastic ideas in on the
    topic of blogging. You have touched some nice factors here.
    Any way keep up wrinting.

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